How to lose a hockey pool in 16 easy steps

Not only am I in a keeper pool, but I have a pool with a group of regular people, including my wife.

Photo by Resolute, via Wikimedia Commons

Would everyone who hasn't been a disappointment for me in my hockey pool please stand up? Not so fast, Mr. Getzlaf.

This year, seven of us chose 16 players each (no goalies). It’s a simple straight-up points pool.

About six weeks ago, before the NHL season began, we held our annual draft. Every player is up for grabs, so the draft is a lot of fun.

I had the fifth pick in the snake-order draft. Not the greatest, as I normally like picking near the beginning or end of a round.

And like all pools, it’s not the first few picks that will win it for you, it’s the later-round choices. But in my case, all 16 of my picks have been brutal, and they’re all going to cost me the pool.

It’s not like I’ve had tons of injuries. Right now, my point-per-game average of all my players is 0.53. That’s just sad. (By comparison, the next worse is 0.68, so I’m way back).

Yes, it’s early, but right now, I’m in seventh spot. Out of 7. The person in sixth spot has Crosby, so I’m kinda screwed. I’d need major injuries to every team ahead of me just to make me look respectable.

Here are my 16 draft picks, why they suck, and who I should have taken instead at that point. (Note, all points mentioned are as of Sunday afternoon).

Round 1, fifth overall: Evgeni Malkin. Would have been great if he didn’t miss some games due to injury. On a point-per-game pace, but with the injuries, it feels like he’s on pace for 40 games. I could have had Daniel Sedin,who went next.

Round 2, 10th overall: Ryan Getzlaf. Wasn’t the Ducks supposed to have the best line in hockey? 11 points in 19 games is not very good. I could have had Anze Kopitar, who was chosen two picks after this one.

Round 3, 19th overall: Bobby Ryan. See my round 2 pick. Only nine points on the year. Nine! That’s disgraceful for that salary. That’s Scott Gomez numbers. I could have had Patrick Kane, who went 21st overall.

Round 4, 24th overall: Jarome Iginla. Yes, he’s older. But he normally starts off the season show, and finishes strong. Like a porn movie. Or so I’ve heard (who could make it to the end of one of those?). I could have had Matt Duchene, who was taken immediately after this one.

Round 5, 33rd overall: Mikko Koivu. Only 13 points on the year for the first overall Minnesota Wild. I could have had Thomas Vanek, who was the next player gone.

Round 6, 38th overall: Paul Stastny. Only 13 points in 20 games. Don’t any of these players know what a point-per-game pace is? I could have had Marian Hossa, the next guy gone.

Round 7, 47th overall: Dany Heatley. How are the Wild in first place if no one is scoring? It boggles the mind. I could have had Jaromir Jagr, the next pick. (By the way, the next pick in most of these cases was my wife, who is currently second in the pool, and only a couple of points out of first).

Round 8, 52nd overall: Mike Ribeiro. Dear Mr. Ribeiro. Please score like a first-line centre. Thank you. That is all. I could have chosen Phil Kessel, gone two picks later.

Round 9, 61st overall: Alex Tanguay. Hopefully he’ll pick it up when Iginla does. Who could I have chosen? Tomas Plekanec, who was gone four picks later (to be fair, who projected him to finish with 82 points this year?).

Round 10, 66th overall: Patrick Berglund. Here’s where my picks get really bad. You don’t think they could get worse? Only one of my last seven picks has more than seven points on the season. I could have chosen Kris Letang. He would have been my highest scorer if I had chosen him.

Dan4th photo, via Wikimedia Commons

A photo of Mike Green, probably seconds before he gets injured.

Round 11, 75th overall: Mike Green. Injuries have cost him a bunch of games, but his six points are hurting me. On the bright side, I could have had Johan Franzen.

Round 12, 80th overall: Duncan Keith. Easily my smartest move of the draft, thanks to his 12 points. Although, I could have had… pretty much no one else in the next few picks is way ahead.

Round 13, 89th overall: Kyle Okposo. Only three points on the year for a non-injured player. Man, you’d think he’d be the worst guy on my team. But you’d be wrong. That’s still to come. I could have had Devin Setoguchi, he of 10 points.

Round 14, 94th overall: Drew Doughty. A missed training camp and a small injury have hurt him. But not as much as it hurt me when I realize I could have had James Neal. You know, that guy who has 12 goals. In comparison, I only have four guys who have more than 12 points.

Round 15, 103rd overall: Magnus Paajarvi. What has happened to him? One point? Does he need to bring back his third name to regain his scoring prowess. Easily the worst pick on my team. And just imagine. I could have had Jordin Tootoo instead. Or Chris Neil. Or Dustin Penner. Or Rick DiPietro. Or about 500 other NHL guys.

Round 16, 108th overall: Derick Brassard. Just like the entire Columbus BlueJackets season, Brassard has been a disappointment. I could have had Brooks Laich, who was the last overall pick.

So that’s my sad, sad team. Just one good choice (Duncan Keith), and 15 bad choices. And with my wife in second place, I get to hear all about how she’s a better GM than I am.

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