Hi there. You don’t actually know me. We may never have met before, but that’s okay. I figure there’s about 7 billion of you I haven’t met. That’s what actually makes us strangers.
Yes, these are my babies. Yes, they are twins, and no, they’re not identical. No, we don’t get very much sleep (fake laugh). What’s that? You want to hold one of them? Despite the fact we’re still strangers, I have no idea who you are, what you do, your lifestyle, yet you want me to trust you with one of my nine-month-old babies?
I’m sorry, but I think I’ll have to decline. Awww… Don’t give me that sad puppy-dog look. I’m thankful that you made me a sandwich at Tim Hortons, but that doesn’t mean you can actually hold one of my kids. I trust you with my food, but not with my daughters. Truthfully, I don’t even know if I trust you all that much with my food. I’ve received many an order wrong at Tim Hortons before, even though it can’t be that complicated to make a bacon turkey club.
Yes, I realize that might make me seem like a bad person. Once more, I’m sorry.
Oh, hi again Wal-Mart greeter. I didn’t see you standing there among all the strangers. Yes, we have me once before. What’s that? No, that doesn’t make us friends. Yes, it still puts you in the stranger category. Yes, they’re twins. No, they’re not identical. No, we don’t get very much sleep (fake laugh). Please don’t touch my daughters’ hands, sir. Yes, I understand you’re a greeter. But you’ve been handling dirty shopping carts, money and what not all day long. I don’t really need all those germs on my daughters’ hands. Yes, I’m aware you didn’t mean anything bad by it. But I can guarantee you that within 30 seconds, my daughters’ hands and fingers are going to be in their mouths.
Yes, this may seem a little paranoid. But like I said, there are about seven billion of you. I’m in a battle with people I know to convince them to sneeze into their sleeve. I really don’t feel like wondering if you sneeze or cough into your hands, wipe them on your pants and then figure that’s clean.
Mall walkers! Good to see a record number of you here. Yes, they’re twins. No, they’re not identical. No, we don’t get very much sleep (fake laugh). Yes, they do look cute when they’re sleeping in the strollers. No, that’s okay miss. Touching them and talking to them a few centimetres from their faces rarely wakes them up. I have no idea why it happened this time. It hasn’t happened since the last group of mall walkers did the same thing. No, I don’t mind. I mean, it’s not like I was enjoying the few minutes of the day when they’re both sleeping at the same time and I can do something relaxing.
And hello to you too, girl who works at the wine store at my local Independent Grocer. I see you’re just opening, despite the fact it’s about 6 p.m. Yes, they’re twins. No, they’re not identical. No, we don’t get very much sleep (fake laugh). No, I don’t appreciate you touching their hands. You may have just come back from lunch, or the bathroom. I don’t know if you’ve washed your hands or not. Or if you have the flu, for that matter. You sound a little nasal to me. That’s your normal voice? I’m sorry. I have no way of knowing that, considering we’ve never met before. That’s why you’re listed in the stranger group, remember?
Again, I’m sorry for sounding mean. But they’re my kids, and I have to deal with consequences later. If you are sick, you’re not the one that will be up with my kids at 4 a.m. once they get it from you.
Anyways, strangers, thanks for allowing me the opportunity to talk to you. I appreciate the chance to open up and let you know how I feel.
Just remember the next time you see me, please don’t touch my babies.
Thanks for listening,