Yesterday, it was announced that Newfoundland is the newest “have” province in Canada, while Ontario is the newest “have not.”
“I don’t think the ‘Newfie joke’ is there anymore,” said Newfoundland premier Danny Williams. “I think we’re now an example to our fellow Canadians about how it can be done and how to work your way through hardship.”
Apparently, Ontario residents can expect to be a have not province for quite a few years.
So in honour of this news, here are a few Newfie jokes for you.
The Newfie Watch
A guy from Newfoundland is sitting at the bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The Newfoundlander explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The Newfoundlander smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?”
Drinking to remember
A Newfoundlander walks into a bar in Nova Scotia, orders three drafts of Keith’s and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him “You know, a draft goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Newfoundlander replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Toronto, the other is in Boston, and I’m here in Nova Scotia. When we all left home we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The Newfoundlander becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Newfoundlander looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs, “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine.” He explains. “It’s just that my wife had us join the Pentecostal Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected me brothers though.”
Garge, a furniture dealer in Newfoundland, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside of Canada, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas
After arriving in the French city, he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well, back home in Newfoundland.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. So after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Garge has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Dear Garge Letter
A young Newfoundland girl, on a year’s training course in South Africa, recently received a “Dear Garge” letter from her boyfriend back home in St. John’s. It read as follows:
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Upset, Mary asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope…along with this note:
I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.