Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to say goodbye to our friend, offensive hockey.
While some teams still try to employ it, it had been on life support in the Montreal Canadiens dressing room since the late 1970s. Fans were hopeful after a turn for the better two years ago when they led the league in goals, but it turned out to be false hope.
The announcement was made today by Dr. Bob Gainey, head surgeon at the Habitants Hospital.
The time of death was at 2 p.m. today, at the moment Dr. Gainey hired a new intern, Jacques Martin.
Martin, who has led the Florida Panthers to a perfect non-playoff streak before taking over the reins of the Canadiens, spoke to the media on Monday, June 1.
“We had the opportunity to discuss at length, to talk about philosophy, talk about operations, talk about players, talk about the league,” he said. “I was really excited by those conversations with Bob. It’s good chemistry.”
The media noted that Martin was speaking in a monotone delivery, a perfect addition on this sad day.
Martin had a befuddled look upon his face when a media member asked him about his previous championships. In 14 years of coaching, Martin has made it past the second round of the playoffs only once.
But no matter, said Dr. Gainey, pointing out that Martin was bilingual, so fans can expect plenty of answers to questionable coaching decisions in both languages.
Dr. Gainey explained Martin will bring lots of dull defensive hockey to the Habitants Hospital as early as this fall, so any problems of insomnia in Montreal will be cured by then.
The funeral for offensive hockey is expected to begin on July 1, other wise known as “No chance an offensive player will sign with the Canadiens as a free agent now” day.